Part two

"Mr. Roark, we're alone here. Why don't you tell me what you think of me? In any words you wish. No one will hear us."

"But I don't think of you."

Toohey's face had an expression of attentiveness, of listening quietly to somethign as simple as fate. He remained silent, and Roark asked:

" What did you want to say to me?"

Toohey looked at tim, and then at the bare trees around them, at the river far below, at the great rise ofthe sky beyond the river.

"Nothing," said Toohey.

He walked away, his steps creaking on the gravel in the silence, sharp and even, like the cracks of an engin's pistons. Roark stoon alone in the empty driveway, looking at the building.

- The Fountainhead.

Part one

" It was not a voice, it was a miracle. It unrolled as a velvet banner. It spoke English words, but the resonant clarity of each syllable make it sound like a new language spoken for the first time. It was the voice of a giant.
Keating stood, his mouth open. He did not hear what the voice was saying. He heard the beauty of the sounds without meaning. He felt no need to know the meaning; he could accept anything, he would be led blindly anywhere."
- Fountainhead

My last request

I sat today, my last request, I prayed, to come to me. I thought of the days of my life, the hours I spent, the laughter I kept. For the rest of my life I begged, down on my knees, I wept, the strength I needed to fulfill this day, to live like I carried no weight. This is my last request I asked, grant me the air I breathe, the heart that beats, the memory that bares the greatness, this universe. Please remove the blindness, the barriers, the pain, my last request I knelt head in hands, hands on my head. For those around me to love and let live and no more tears for them to shed. I thought of the stars and the sand, the vast ocean of beauty left unseen, the scattered priorities and the misdirected doubts, the fears I held and the worry I had thrown about. I had chased death, sat still, been stubborn and mislead and

I asked for forgiveness in this hour of revelation, strength in the scattered minutes, peace in the seconds of silence. And still I lived on, my last request painted on my face, I asked to feel the world, their pain and their lives so I may walk straighter, understand sweeter. In the last days of darkness I made amends, I charted a new path, I breathed easier, I asked my maker the questions I knew could not be answered, why, I cried out with tears of joy, do I not as I should, I have been so lucky but not in the typical sense of the word. And so I begged this one last time, my final request, grant me the rest of my life, the love I seek to find and the understanding of this life. I picked myself up off the floor, opened my eyes as I lifted my head and sang out sweetly the last thought on my mind, grant me this last request before I come home, my last place of rest. I do not ask for riches or eternity or even less. Hope and love, strength and peace, the moments of happiness I painted to remember, give me these thoughts and I shall give you this life the final word on all matters and all my fight, my final request, I asked, yours to be taken and cast into the light.

Lets not chase...

I wonder. Sometimes I feel we live our lives chasing death. We measure in terms of how many years we have left, the next 20 years of work or spending the next 50 years with someone. We measure in money, I can't because I don't have the cash, or its too expensive, limiting our selves of experiences and memories and living for money we can't take with us.. chasing death instead of chasing life.

I went on a run yesterday, and it took me a good long while to finally achieve what I was looking for. Not a great run, not exercise or fatigue, but the realization I have been looking for. The last couple of days have been cloudy and mediocre at best, my own doing of course. I allowed myself to get angry at something I should have let go a long time ago. And while I needed to have that emotion, I dwelled too long and too hard. I was angry at something that was not my fault but something that has continued to have a negative affect on me rather than the person who hurt my heart. This person continues to have no repercussions for his actions and this made me angry because it affect my relationships with others. A perfect example of nonlinear actions.

But yesterday, I reached the top of that hill, with my music in my ears, my thoughts in my head, out of breath, tired, hurting and then I hear it. I saw it, I felt it.....

This what I discovered. 1) We must not chase death, but rather live our lives, and 2) If I force myself into something that doesn't work, I am trying to walk a path other than the one already set for me. If something isn't going the way I planned, I can not force it, but rather stay on course, stay strong, keep my head up and move forward in the direction life leads me. We all have our windows of opportunity, we see them, we can take them. If we do not have a certain view at a certain time, it is not the right moment and we must wait for what feels good, makes sense and presents itself to us.

I realize this is all just a jumble of thoughts and words that tumble outta my head and on to, at the moment, this computer LOL

I suppose these things don't make sense to anyone else, but, my brain made an important connection and I hope it speaks something to you...

baci